I had a surgery.......on my FACE.
Yep. That's right. My face was just so ugly, that in order to preserve the peace in our society, I had to have it restructured to look normal.
Or, if you prefer the REAL, BORING story, I am a descendant of a European people who considered a square jaw and pronounced underbite a mark of royalty. Let's just say that before this surgery, I would have been a queen back then. The highest, richest, most important queen ever. That was how square and underbite-ish my jaw was. I was freakin' JOAN OF ARC.
Except she was French, and I am decidedly Scandinavian. Not just Scandinavian, but British. My family tree is weighed down with the abundance of British people that adorn it. So maybe that was a terrible and politically incorrect comparison that we shall never mention again.
Anyways....what was I saying?
Oh, right. My jaw.
First, there were the braces. My orthodontist promised me that the worst pain I would feel would be on the first appointment, when they strapped on those metal rings around my molars, glued the brackets to my teeth, and set in the wires and rubber bands. I believed them, thinking that nothing could be worse than getting my wisdom teeth out (which, as I remember it, was something like the most physically painful dream I have ever had. Luckily, I was the silent drugged type, so there were no embarrassing videos of me talking about riding on the back of a unicorn to the Land of Blueberries.) At any rate, I underwent the implementation of braces, and for the next few weeks endured the experience of feeling like my teeth were being pulled out of my gums with every movement my mouth made. To top it all off, I had a Sean Connery lisp. And that was just embarrassing.
We didn't realize that something was just a little bit off about this whole situation until the next appointment. My orthodontist, wrenching away at my wires, was mildly disturbed by the fact that I was writhing in pain the whole time. "People usually feel a little better by this point - it shouldn't be hurting this much," he said, brow furrowed. Over the next few appointments, we came to the discovery that I have an abnormally low threshold for pain - and since orthodontics don't generally use painkillers or anesthetic, like dentistry, I was in for a long, painful 18 months.
I can honestly say that this was the most potent physical pain I have ever been in at any time in my life - including the time I chipped a tooth (and, incidentally, caused a mild fracture along my jawbone) when I bonked my chin on the top of my brother's head that one time on the trampoline, and both times that I sprained both ankles. No, that pain was temporary. This pain, tight and aching, was constant, and even as it started to go away, another orthodontist appointment would come up and I would be in horrible pain again. Some of you might be saying that I was being dramatic, that it can't have been that painful. To that, all I can say is that you have clearly never had braces. And if you have, then you clearly have the pain threshold of Conan the Barbarian.
What made it all worse was that I felt sorry for being such a pill to my incredibly nice and patient orthodontist (whose name shall forthwith be Mr. U, because no one uses U). I mean, he was trying so hard to help me, and there I was, lying in the chair, with thick tears streaming down my face and a constant moan escaping my crammed mouth. I was embarrassed about it, I tried not to let it show, but I couldn't help it - I was in real, serious pain.
And THEN, of course, there was the food aspect. I do not consider myself much of a sweet tooth, and candy made up about 85% of the banned foods list they handed me at the beginning. The other things they had listed were things I was not normally interested in eating, like corn on the cob or a whole apple. No, it wasn't the banned foods that troubled me - it was everything that had a consistency that was tougher than a marshmallow. I practically lived on yogurt and pudding, and I found my desire to eat slowly dwindling as time went on. My teeth were just so incredibly, pathetically wimpy. I lost almost 20 pounds while I had braces - and while it was not a serious loss, since I was slightly overweight to begin with, I don't think it would have been very healthy if I had continued with this diet for any longer than I had to.
So, as you can imagine, I was actually happy to finally get my surgery that summer. I was almost done! In a few months, my teeth would be normal! No more appointments, no more braces, and I would look less like a Neanderthal!
Thankfully, the surgery was a success, I recovered fairly quickly, and I got my braces off right before Christmas - just in time to eat all those delicious Christmas treats, without having to worry that they would be caught in my wires and having to clean them out later. All in all, it was pretty much the best Christmas present ever.
So, to all the people who have ever had braces or have braces at this time - I have been there. I feel your pain - and then some. But it isn't the end of the world! Wear your wires with PRIDE! When people call you 'Braceface', grin extra widely and say "I earned these, man." And when you get them off, you'll certainly have earned that straight, beautiful smile of yours. Now all those fashion models on those Photoshopped magazine covers look so fake and weak by comparison - because your smile really is beautiful and perfect, and you earned the right to have it.
So, give yourself a pat on the back.
You are a trooper. With a perfect smile. Be proud.
And love it.
